“Hacia Dentro” by Carla Morrison, English translation of lyrics

“Inward” Lyrics
Album: El Renacimiento (The Rebirth), 2022
Style: R&B. Carla sings about confronting her depression and being honest with herself, and her journey to find her way out of darkness. I wish her the best!
Country: Mexico, USA (Arizona)
Listen: YouTube

Translation:

Desperté un día sin sentir
Ganas de querer seguir.
Algo ya me hundía en mi cama.

I woke up one day without feeling
Desire to want to continue.
Something had already sunk me into bed.

Las miradas que sentí,
Los abrazos que cedí,
Todo era vacío y sin nada.

The looks I felt,
The hugs I handed over,
Everything was empty and without anything.

Olvidé la fe en mí,
Todo lo aposté por mí,
Pero era yo quien hacía falta.

I forgot faith in myself,
I gambled it all on myself,
But it was I who was missing.

La guerra dentro de mí
Reclamaba fuerte en mí,
Fue la voz de mi alma.

The war inside myself
Clamored strong inside me,
It was the voice of my soul.

Volví a mirar hacia dentro,
Volví a mirar hacia muy dentro de mí,
A revelar el recuerdo,
Analizar lo que protestaba en mí.

I returned to look inside,
I returned to look deep inside myself,
To reveal the memories,
To analyze what protested inside me.

Fue tan duro de admitir,
Aceptar que me mentí,
Ignoré el dolor por la trama.

It was so hard to admit,
To accept that I lied to myself,
I ignored the pain for a good story.

Que después de verme ahí,
Sola y sin poder seguir,
Tuve todo y tenía nada.

Because after seeing myself there,
Alone and unable to continue,
I had everything and I had nothing.

Deseando acabarme aquí,
Mis ojos veían gris,
Al dormir yo siempre me ahogaba.

Wanting to end myself here,
My eyes saw gray,
When I slept I always drowned [myself].

Mi llanto quería decir,
Mis heridas admitir,
Fue la voz de mi alma.

My weeping wanted to say it,
My wounds wanted to admit it,
It was the voice of my soul.

Volví a mirar hacia dentro,
Volví a mirar hacia muy dentro de mí,
A revelar el recuerdo,
Analizar lo que protestaba en mí.

I returned to look inside,
I returned to look deep inside myself,
To reveal the memories,
To analyze what protested inside me.

Volví a mirar hacia dentro (volví a mirar)
Volví a mirar hacia muy dentro de mí
A revelar el recuerdo (volví a mirar)
Analizar lo que protestaba en mí.

I returned to look inside (I returned to look),
I returned to look deep inside myself,
To reveal the memories (I returned to look),
To analyze what protested inside me.

Volví, volví a mí,
Volví a existir,
Y pude verme ahí,
Volviendo a sonreír.

I returned, I returned to myself,
I returned to exist,
And I could see myself there,
Returning to again smile.

Volví a mirar hacia dentro (volví a mirar)
Volví a mirar hacia muy dentro de mí
A revelar el recuerdo (volví a mirar)
Analizar lo que protestaba en mí.
(x2)

I returned to look inside (I returned to look),
I returned to look deep inside myself,
To reveal the memories (I returned to look),
To analyze what protested inside me.
(x2)

Translation Notes:

Las miradas que sentí,
Los abrazos que cedí,
Todo era vacío y sin nada.

The looks I felt,
The hugs I handed over,
Everything was empty and without anything.

She is saying that she felt people’s eyes on her and she hugged people because it was expected of her (she gave in to hugs), but that she didn’t feel the hugs. She felt empty, which is a common symptom of depression. A lot of times people with depression don’t feel “sad” exactly, but instead experience feeling “empty” or bland or muted or neutral.

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La guerra dentro de mí
Reclamaba fuerte en mí,
Fue la voz de mi alma.

The war inside myself
Clamored strong inside me,
It was the voice of my soul.

Carla uses the verb reclamar in the secondary meaning (1. to demand, to claim; 2. to clamor, to protest, to complain). Something inside her was yelling and protesting loudly and she ignored it until she no longer could.

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Fue tan duro de admitir,
Aceptar que me mentí,
Ignoré el dolor por la trama.

It was so hard to admit,
To accept that I lied to myself,
I ignored the pain for a good story.

Here, “la trama” refers to the plot or the story of her life. Carla Morrison is a big romantic and many of her songs are about either heartbreak or finding The One True Love. Both of these storylines can lead to good songs and justifiably strong emotions. Carla’s first big hit was a post-breakup song called “Déjenme Llorar“ (Let Me Cry). Here, it sounds like she is saying that having reasons for crying (in the breakup songs) or reasons for feeling very happy (in the love songs) allowed her to ignore her underlying depression. In a Rolling Stone article, Carla talks about this and why she took a break from music:

In 2017, after nearly a decade of recording and touring, she quit. She didn’t have a plan, and she didn’t know if she would ever go back. She was just desperate to do something, anything that would make her feel less hollow. “I didn’t feel normal,” she says. “It’s like I was always in character, going through the motions and doing what everyone wanted me to do.” […] But in 2018, she finally said “fuck it.” With no album or tour on the horizon, she left for Paris with her now-husband, enrolling at a small jazz conservatory in the city’s suburbs. Never mind that she didn’t listen to jazz or that she hardly spoke any French; that wasn’t the point. She wanted to deliver a shock to her system — a jolt that would make her feel real again. “I lost myself,” she says. “I had nothing to offer, I was miserable. If I had tried to make a song right then, it would’ve been a lie.”

“Carla Morrison Is Reborn: ‘I Needed to Let Go’” by Cat Cardenas, Rolling Stone. June 8, 2022.

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Tuve todo y tenía nada.

I had everything and I had nothing.
I used to have everything and yet I had nothing.

This line has two first person conjugations of the verb tener (to have). They are both past tense and the difference is subtle, but basically tuve (pretérito perfecto simple or perfect past) means “had” in the past and refers to a time in her career when she was at her highest and seemed to have it all, whereas tenía (imperfecto or imperfect past) also means “had” in the past but the time period borders are blurry so this likely refers to her ongoing struggles with depression at different points in her career.

This song “Hacia Dentro” (Inward), the first song of her 2023 return album El Renacimiento (The Rebirth), marks a change in what she wants out of her music career. As explained in a Billboard article:

For years she had been singing love songs dedicated to others. Her new album, El Renacimiento (The Rebirth) — released Friday (April 29) — is also about love, but these new songs are love letters to herself. “It was so nice because I was focusing on myself. I would always focus on others. As humans we tend to do that. That’s why we feel very lost,” she says. “Writing for me felt like giving myself a really nice hug. It’s been both spiritual and nurturing.”

“Carla Morrison Talks Embracing Soul-Searching Journey With ‘El Renacimiento’: ‘I Just Wanted to Come Back to Life’” by Griselda Flores, Billboard. April 29, 2022.

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Mis ojos veían gris,
Al dormir yo siempre me ahogaba.

My eyes saw gray,
When I slept I always drowned (myself). *Ok to translate with or without “myself”

She is saying that she had dreams of drowning. The Spanish verb for a person drowning is a verbo prenominal “ahogarse” which requires reflexive pronouns (me, te, se, nos, os, se). In English it is just an intransitive verb “to drown” and does not require a direct object. A person just “drowns”. Because the Spanish requires a reflexive pronoun and the English doesn’t, the lyrics can be correctly translated as either “I always drowned” or “I always drowned myself”. Usually context would help one decide which translation to use, but in the context of a dream and a struggle with depression, either translation works, though one is definitely darker.

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The Rolling Stone article discusses Carla Morrison’s journey to address her depression and enjoy music again, work on her latest album, and begin her return concerts.

Standing underneath the spotlight in Austin, Morrison is in an all-black ensemble, her hair slicked back into a long ponytail. With rhinestone-studded gloves, she clutches at the mic while the crowd looks on in rapt attention. Earlier in her set, she took a beat to tell the audience: “I want you all to leave here feeling freer, because to feel is human, and to be human is divine.” 

“Carla Morrison Is Reborn: ‘I Needed to Let Go’” by Cat Cardenas, Rolling Stone. June 8, 2022.